Bandana Pudding

Do you know what it's like to walk into your office and at once feel the need to start the coffee pot, but i need to microwave the last cup from
yesterdaywhilei dumpthegroundstomakethenewcup thefrontdoorneedstobeunlockedincasesomeonedrivesup thetrash icoulddumpit myhandsaredirty - do you? And with your mind spinning you stand and do nothing. Frustration and tension begin as you try desperately to sort out the simple task of walking into a building. You literally have to stop and methodically do one thing at a time forcing focus so that the ball of twine in your brain can begin to unravel. I do.

I don't know whether it is ADD ADHD ADXTC but I know I have it and I know it can be crippling. I just don't think like the rest. I don't know who "the rest" are. I don't know who set the standards. I just know that from the time I can remember, I didn't think like others.

A simple routine like walking into the building in the morning, putting down my bag, turning on the lights, warming a cup of coffee, making a fresh pot of coffee, unlocking the front door, and turning on my computer, could become a jumble of items of equal importance and a race to make the most proficient use of my energy by accomplishing them in the perfect order. Yet they are equally important and could all be done first so my mind tries to move on them all at once and my body is frozen in tension. And this happens four days a week when I enter the building - and it has happened for over a year in this one place. Just imagine the tension when I walk into a video store and try to decide from all of the equally interesting titles that could all be taken home - which one - frozen, panicked - just get me out of here!

Imagine sitting in the classroom, next to the window and the teacher is giving instructions. I am five and I am in military school and I don't know whether to look out the window, look at the class, look at the teacher, write something down, open a book or climb under the desk.The next thing I know I am in trouble for not paying attention. To what? I was paying attention to everything? What does she mean? I must be defective? I don't understand.

We read a story or summarize a poem. I don't see the same message that the rest of the class sees. Why? Is it because I saw something that wasn't there. Like the day I stood under a sign at a Bar-B-Que restaurant and wondered "What in the world is bandanna pudding?" It took a good five minutes of staring and scratching my head before my mind realized there was no "d" and one less "n" - Ahhhh! Banana Pudding! I am also dyslexic. Or is it because my mind is crowded with impressions and images the original author never intended? Or is it because I alone actually understood? Whatever the truth, I ended every discussion in frustration and self doubt. Which only helps to complete the cycle of misunderstanding that brings on my manic depression. That's right. I am bipolar.

Welcome to the world of those who think differently. In this blog, I would like to offer a place for venting, communication and insight for anyone whose mental signature or interests encompass a pattern that is less than "the norm". If you are ADD, ADHD, bipolar, schizophrenic, dyslexic, or otherwise divergent or if you just want to know what it is to live with such a mind, I invite you to join in as I journal the journey of a traveler who is sometimes an alien on his home planet.

Thanks - MK